“Does marriage counseling perform? My wife and I have tried seeing a marriage counselor for the previous couple of weeks, but it doesn’t seem like it really is carrying out something… What am I performing incorrect?”
If you are like numerous of the lost and confused husbands in the 21st century, then you have currently tried the most generally prescribed solution to any marriage trouble, i.e. marriage counseling.
I never know when it became such frequent practice, but somehow the go-to answer for any and all troubles that could plague a marriage (separation, loss of passion, divorce, infidelity, lack of communication, and so forth.), the most prominent and broadly assistance that you’re going to get is “have you tried marriage counseling?”
couples therapy san diego would feel that such a booming and reliable business would be so very advised for the reason that of its higher good results price, proper? In other words, marriage counseling is so preferred because it has a history of legitimately fixing the marriage complications that plague so lots of relationships these days, suitable?
Incorrect!
Did you know that…
Marriage Counseling has the Highest Failure Rate of Any Therapy
Yup, marriage counseling and marriage counselors have the lowest results rate of any other counseling or therapy associated field.
So, does marriage counseling work? I would say ‘not even close’.
* Drug addicts in rehab have a larger achievement rate than marriage counselors
* Alcoholics in AA have a higher achievement price than marriage counselors
* Anger management therapy has a larger success price than marriage counselors
* Even the prison counseling programs for murderers, rapists and other criminals have a greater achievement price than marriage counseling
You would believe that for up to $200 per hour there’d be some sort of assure that you’d see benefits in your marriage, but this is certainly not the case. Marriage counseling DOES NOT Operate for most couples, and marriage counseling results rates are surprisingly low (less than 25%).
There is a sort of couple that can benefit from marriage and family counseling, but it is the exception, not the rule. Most marriage counselors never proficiently address the correct concerns that are leaving you and your wife ‘unfulfilled in our marriage’.
Does Marriage Counseling Perform? Do We Have the Highest Divorce Prices, Ever?
Admittedly, according to current statistics, the divorce price in America has finally come to somewhat of a plateau in the previous couple years due to the fact less persons are finding married, so there are significantly less couples to divorce.
But nonetheless, in the past 10 – 25 years divorce rates have sky rocketed, and I want you to truly consider about this for a minute… Does not it seem strange that the rise in divorce rates correlates practically straight with the thriving marriage counseling sector? Some could possibly argue that this tends to make sense since a lot more divorces need to have more marriage counseling, but what if the accurate supply of the problem wasn’t really divorce, but the total ineffectiveness, even counter-productivity, of marriage counseling?
I will inform you an example of this – My personal parents are divorced. They have been married for over 20 years, and they attempted all the things in the book to save their marriage. They attempted not one, not two, not three, not four, but Five diverse marriage counselors over the course of ten YEARS, and not a single one particular of them did anything to save their marriage.
In truth, the marriage only ever got worse due to the fact my parents became frustrated with their lack of progress, and that aggravation led to even extra issues in the marriage.
In other words, marriage counseling added fuel to the fire, and it poisoned my parents’ marriage.
Now, I’m not saying that all marriage counselors are total quacks, but a surprising quantity of them are. Their marriage counseling techniques and techniques are based on theory, conjecture and textbooks, not actual romantic or human practical experience or even on thriving marriages.
Numerous Marriage Therapists Lack Verified or Relevant Knowledge
This could in all probability be mentioned about a lot of therapy associated fields, but I really feel that it is in particular accurate in marriage counseling. I know of several marriage counselors who have actually gone by way of a divorce, but continue to teach other folks how to repair their marriage. Clearly these people have no idea what really performs if they can not even save their personal marriage, so why would you trust them to save yours?
Again, I never want to make any overly broad generalizations here, but I do really feel like the marriage counseling field has come to be equivalent with divorce attorneys… It is just a single a lot more cog in the machine top to the simultaneous degradation and capitalization of marriage in America. I imply, from a price standpoint they are each pricey… It will run you about $400 for an hour to speak on the telephone with a divorce lawyer, and a single marriage counseling session will ordinarily expense you at least $one hundred, and extra for a ‘good’ 1.
These are people that know you’re desperate and are prepared to take benefit of that are their personal gain.
Assume about it, if you had been truly passionate about helping folks and saving marriages, would you demand $300 per session for something that you haven’t even observed consistently yield results? I am not saying it is morally incorrect to charge a lot of funds for your services, but when there is so considerably dollars involved it really is only natural to question accurate motives, particularly without the need of outcomes to justify a higher value.
Feel about it, most marriage counselors recommend at least ten sessions to see final results in your marriage, which means you are dropping $1,000 to $two,000 on entirely unproven approaches and techniques.
Which brings me to the implied second component of our original query… Does marriage counseling perform, and why or why not?
And to me, this is what appears to be the explanation most marriage counselors fail:
Most Marriage Counselors Have Been Educated To Analyze Issues, Not Create Options
This is what I truly assume it comes down to… Every little thing that your typical marriage counselor has discovered, and in turn anything they teach you, was quite likely written by a psychologist.
All those issues that your marriage counselor tells you…
* “Just hold working at it”…
* “Communication is the key”…
* “Be more open with each and every other”…
* “Start out getting intimacy time”…
* “Date nights are the answer”…
* “Make her really feel loved”…
All of those issues are written in some text book someplace and that textbook was written by a psychologist. These are factors that girls feel they want, and they do when every little thing is already ideal, but they will NOT save your marriage.
These are all issues you should really be doing when your marriage is thriving, more like characteristics of a thriving marriage than actual techniques to fix a broken one.
But You Can Clearly See Their Train of Believed…
A fantastic marriage has open communication, appropriate? So it ‘makes sense’ that to fix a broken marriage you really should develop open communication, correct?
A very good marriage has spouses who delight in intimacy time with each and every other, proper? So, it ‘makes sense’ to say that if you force intimacy time you will fix your marriage, appropriate?
But marriage is not backwards compatible like that… It doesn’t operate for the reason that these logical solutions are NOT going to operate when there is no feelings of attraction or emotional fondness behind them. So even if you happen to be going by way of the motions properly, there is no assure that you will in fact fix your marriage.
In fact, if anything you happen to be virtually guaranteed to make it worse, because you are going to remind your wife how undesirable items have to be that she cannot really feel Something even when you happen to be apparently attempting so really hard.
Don’t forget, attraction is the ONLY issue that will save your marriage. Devoid of attraction there is no emotional incentive driving your wife to come back to you… Logic, cause, counseling, courses, books, rational procedures and perseverance will not save your marriage. Feelings, emotion and passion will.
So, does couples counseling perform? Does marriage counseling function? I suppose I should really let your own experiences give you the definitive answer, but from all of my personal practical experience I would say that you happen to be greater off trying to repair points on your personal than with a counselor.